… somewhere in the Northeast.
I have been waiting for the End Of The World to happen here. After all, the Mayans said so.
And they wouldn’t lie, would they? Oh. Right. There are no Mayans left, are there? That doesn’t exactly speak volumes about their ability to predict future events now, does it?
OK, well how about this? I have had almost 50 hits from well over a dozen different countries in the last twenty-four hours on an old post of mine here … It’s Not The End Of The World. Surely that means something, right?
I mean other than the fact that WordPress has an exceptional ability for Search Engine Optimization.
And folks said I would only get a new roof on the house if the world came to an end or if Hell froze over … the Amish finished yesterday, except for gutters and its 34 degrees … not nearly enough to freeze much of anything.
See? I’m not the only one waiting for the world to end.
Let’s see. is there anything else out there that might shed some light on things here?
Aha! A schedule for todays events … OK, now we’re getting somewhere.
Here is your end of the Mayan World Schedule.
06:30 – Opening Weekend
06:45 – Donuts & Coffee
07:00 – Meteor Showers
08:30 – Arrival of the first tsunami
10:00 – Welcome UFOs
10:30 – Zombie flashmob dance Gangnam style
11:36 – Start of Destruction (sub.)
… 12:00 – Eclipse and alignment of all the planets in the solar system
12:00 to 14:00 – LUNCH
14:15 – Reversing Earth’s magnetic poles
15:00 – Super Global Warming (with special program)
16:30 – Start of the annihilation of earthlings
17:00 – Justin Bieber concert
18:00 – Revelation of resident aliens on earth
19:00 – Bong Break in Amsterdam, Washington State & Colorado
20:00 – Reopening of the tunnel between the Taj Mahal and Machu Picchu
21:00 – Mass Moisturizing (Moisturizer provided in Swag Bag)
22:00 – Revelation of the secret Santa
23:00 – Toast by Oprah Winfrey
23:30 – Closing Ceremonies: End of the World Fireworks Extravaganza
Harumph. Now how can I take anything with a Justin Bieber Concert seriously? Anything else?
Hey, here are some quotes. Quotes are always good, right? Okay then …
“And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanoes, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.” –David Letterman
“Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn’t end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.” -Jimmy Kimmel
… “According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?” –David Letterman
“December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual.” –David Letterman
“As you know, the world is supposed to end on Friday. The bad news, today China said they want their money right now, Thursday at the latest.” -Jay Leno
“The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we’re done. We’ve only got about a week left, and I haven’t even started packing. On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn’t it? … The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn’t work.” -David Letterman
“A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor’s a Mayan. He says that to everybody.” –Jay Leno
“The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn’t end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.” –Jay Leno
“And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably. If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don’t you?” –David Letterman
“If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius!” -Jay Leno
“McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, ‘Hey, we tried to warn you.’” –Jimmy Fallon
It’s almost like … like they are not taking this whole end of the world thing seriously.
And I have all these five gallon containers of water … and canned food … and everything. Forget the fact that this is because I lived with a hoarder … I’ve got them.
Why … it’s almost … almost as if they know something I don’t know.
Does this mean I have to go buy Christmas gifts now?