So after my … interesting … foray into setting up a dating site profile (and yes there appear to be a ton of men out there who noticed it … go figure) I decided that perhaps before I ventured back out into the world of dating and relationships and all of that, it might be good to seek some advice.
And what a coincidence. Today there was a link to an article in USA Today from two of my favorite authors … Jill Shalvis and Kristan Higgins. They were called the Wonder Twins.
Suffice it to say that my I Love Lucy moments pale in comparison to theirs.
They involve various situations being locked out of houses, setting off fire alarms in hotels and Man Wars. Don’t ask.
At any rate, without further ado … here is the far better blog entry written by the Wonder Twins.
\’Tis the season to get along with your spouse, so Wonder Twins Jill Shalvis and Kristan Higgins, who have been married for a total of 273 years (to the same lucky men, no less!), thought they\’d share some of their secrets to years and years (and years) of wedded bliss.
JS: Most men have the selective hearing, but once in a while it behooves women to adopt the condition as their own. Like, say, after you\’ve backed out of the garage without checking to make sure the garage door actually opened when you hit the remote.
KH: Listen. These things happen. I find that on such occasions (car damage, small fires, etc.) or any time we need to regain the moral high ground, it\’s time to play \”Name My Gynecological Horror This Week.\” No man is brave enough to hear stories of your latest medical anomaly \”down there\”! According to a recent study conducted in my household, the single sentence males fear the most is: \”These cramps would kill a large farm animal.\” Use it, embrace it, own it.
JS: Hey, and don\’t forget to regularly ask your significant other to stop and buy you the required supplies. One of my fave memories is of Alpha Man calling me from the drugstore and saying, \”I can\’t find the Any Days.\” Yes, I\’m evil. I\’ve also found that \”it\’s my time of the month\” can be used as an explanation for any temporary insanity. Such as screaming like a banshee when you discover someone has consumed your hidden bag of salt and vinegar chips.
KH: But, Jilly, the banshee would be completely appropriate in this case! I mean, really! How DARE he! Hide the remote next time this happens. He\’ll learn.
JS: Speaking of TV, one of the biggest keys to a happy marriage, in my experience, is investing in Netflix, DVR, TiVo and Hulu. This allows you to graciously \”let\” him watch the game, all while your shows are secretly waiting for you. This way, you come off as a wonderful, understanding, compromising spouse, which means you get an Ass Pass. Yes, I said it. Ass Pass. Which is your get-out-of-jail-free card for those difficult times (see above car disaster).
KH: Need some positive affirmation? It\’s time to ask your honey the dreaded question: \”Notice anything different about me?\” This causes a jolt of panic in your beloved, resulting in a flow of compliments: Suddenly, your hair, your skin, your muck boots are all so flattering! It\’s the buckshot approach to feeling good about yourself.
Let\’s face it. Men will never be able to answer this question. I picture a villain from a James Bond movie with his finger hovering over the doomsday button, asking McIrish, \”Tell me what\’s different about your wife or everyone dies.\” And then everyone would die, because McIrish would be babbling about my haircut or new glasses, when in fact everyone else could see that I had in fact painted my toenails.
JS: This reminds me of another tip. Training your significant other in the art of gift giving. Once I asked Alpha Man for an overnight trip, just us. I was thinking somewhere warm, maybe even with a beach, drinks, and room service. What I got was tickets to the NCAA finals. Note to self: Be more specific.
KH: Tell him you want to come to Connecticut. Alone. ; )
JS: Even so, we love our guys, don\’t we, Higgins?
KH: We do, Shalvis! Most days, we definitely do!
Jill Shalvis and Kristan Higgins are both USA TODAY and New York Times best-selling authors. Visit their websites — http://www.jillshalvis.com and http://www.kristanhiggins.com — or their Facebook pages (Kristan\’s here, Jill\’s here) for more tales.