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A cheeseburger.

… a song that has totally new meaning at this point.

According to Buffett’s Margaritaville web site, the myth of the “cheeseburger in paradise” was inspired by a boat journey Buffett once took in the Caribbean. Buffett states that while subsisting on canned food and peanut butter, he envisioned eating a “piping hot cheeseburger”. He reports that upon finally arriving in Road Town, Tortola, British Virgin Islands, he was surprised to find a restaurant serving American cheeseburgers:

…we gave particular instructions to the waiter on how we wanted them cooked and what we wanted on them — to which little attention was paid. It didn’t matter. The overdone burgers on the burned, toasted buns tasted like manna from heaven, for they were the realization of my fantasy burgers on the trip.

Flash forward to the present time … in which a friend has been visiting family … healthy, healthy, no-meat, no-dairy, nuts-and-berries family. You may recall a brief conversation from the other day … the day of the unfortunate mouse incident.

I just got off the phone from a conversation with her.

The nuts and berries and cardboard food are still abounding … as are my friends covert efforts to sneak out of the house for a burger and cola.

In the first few hours of her visit, family met her and several text messages were sent to me … I will list them here.

3:55 “Got here … phone almost dead … will call when charged … beautiful house.”

5:04 “Nuts and berries? Really? … nice weather.”

6:39 “Oh no. Black juice drink. Help!”

7:44 “House rule. I must drink a glass of warm water and lemon in the morning BEFORE I can have a cup of coffee.”

8:17 “OMG She threw away my deodorant!!!”

8:37 “I saved my red licorice. I had to draw the line somewhere.”

8:56 “Does the phrase Batshit Crazy mean anything to you ?????”

So I called her when I got home … and of course she was near her family. And that made it all the more funny. I couldn’t stop laughing.

I tried. I apologized. But I couldn’t stop.

As I was saying “So, she is Batshit Crazy, huh?” on my end, she is politely saying “Why yes it is … exactly what I had expected out here” on her end.

Me: “So you get to eat cardboard bread and ghee? And no burgers? For the whole visit??”

She: “Oh yes, the view here is beautiful.”

Me: “I can’t believe she threw out your deodorant.”

She: “Why yes, the weather here is quite hot … 80 plus degrees and humid”

Me: “Nah, you wouldn’t want deodorant in a situation like that.”

She: “Absolutely. It’s Amazing. Ah-MAZE-ing.”

I have heard that joke.

In which the proper Southern Belle uses the word Amazing instead of B***S***.

Then in the background, one member of the family says “Hey … Amazing … That’s what I say too.”

I’m thinking she hasn’t heard the joke.


Haven’t laughed that hard in years.

So now we are at today. And the phone conversation. I am sure she has lost many pounds of weight without even trying.

On a recent trip from the house on some excuse or another, she went to a local Burger establishment.  Mostly she was thirsty, but far be it from her to let the opportunity to eat “real” food go by.

In addition to the Burger and Fries and Cola that she quickly gobbled up, she took the fancy water container from the car … went into the restrooms … and filled the water container to the top.

The day went on and she completely forgot about the water container.

Today, as the family was out for a drive, the main nuts-and-berry eater grabbed the water container … and drank deeply.

“See?” she proudly said, “You can really tell the difference between this pure organic water and that awful stuff that other people drink.”

Who knew that Burger Barn had pure organic water in its restrooms?

I’m impressed.