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… and I definitely have friends like these.

Well, one in particular.

I’m thinking maybe you do, too.

This is the kind of friend who is mostly interested in themselves … and will talk ad infinitum about this and that … not taking a hint … and … will … not … stop … talking.

No matter what you have done or has happened to you, they have done it more … or better … or something.

I will not mention any names … you never know who might read this down the line.

Not that I avoid these calls when I see the number on Caller ID … much.

I just had a call like this. And this is how it went.

Me: Hello?

She: Hey Holly … how are you doing?

Me: Do you really want to know?

She: Well sure … but first I have to tell you something.

(Insert several minutes of the latest with various others … drama intended.)

Me: Well, a few things have happened to me recently … actually.

She: Oh yeah? What?

Me: Well, remember the man who held me at gunpoint a ways back? Well they decided yesterday to let him out. My life is in danger.

The Capital Area Food Bank's warehouse in Nort...

The Capital Area Food Bank’s warehouse in Northeast Washington (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

She: Really? Well, the Food Bank really helped me out yesterday. They gave me such nice things. I have to thank them.

Me: (wondering what a Food Bank has to do with the soon to be released gun nut) Oh, well. That’s good … do you know any electricians who could maybe install some security lights for me?

 She: Oh my ex-husband is so talented. He can fix anything. I mean, if he wasn’t such a hoarder  and the personal hygeine and stuff. You should meet him. You’d like him. There’s not really much wrong with him. And I think he wants to date again.

(insert several more minutes on the pros and cons of said ex-husband)

Me: Well, if he can do security lights and cameras that would be nice.

She: Oh, he is so talented … did I ever tell you about the time when … (insert several more minutes of stories having nothing to do with my impending demise.)

Me: Well there was one other thing.

She: Yes?

Me: Remember my friend? The one I used to work with and (insert a few kind words ala yesterdays post)

She: Sure I do. He is great. How is he?

Me: He died. And was buried yesterday.

She: Oh how awful. I think I will write a song. You know I am really good at writing songs. I think I will sing a song for the people at the Food Bank. The ones who helped me. You know that song I wrote a few years ago about (input several minutes about stupid song.)

Me: OK.

She: So why didn’t you call me to tell me about that?

Me: I did. Yesterday.

She: Oh. When we were talking about (fill in the names of several mutual friends here)?

Me: (… and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise) Yeah.

She: Well you know about (fill in the names of several mutual friends here) and I can’t believe that they (fill in the stories of several mutual friends here).

Me: Well, I really have to go here.

She: Yes, well I was surprised by it all too … after all … (five more minutes of stuff I didn’t care about.)

Me: Well, my feet are on fire … and I really have to go.

She: And then of all things … this is what happened. (more minutes of stupid stuff.)

Me: Yeah … the house is falling down all around me … tornado going through … probably should hang up now.

She: No … wait … I have to tell you what my husband did … (more talking)

Me: No. Seriously. I have to go. Now.

She: Oh, wait … (and leaves the phone).

I didn’t wait.

Or answer her call-backs.

I’m still looking for an electrician.