… and I definitely have friends like these.

Well, one in particular.

I’m thinking maybe you do, too.

This is the kind of friend who is mostly interested in themselves … and will talk ad infinitum about this and that … not taking a hint … and … will … not … stop … talking.

No matter what you have done or has happened to you, they have done it more … or better … or something.

I will not mention any names … you never know who might read this down the line.

Not that I avoid these calls when I see the number on Caller ID … much.

I just had a call like this. And this is how it went.

Me: Hello?

She: Hey Holly … how are you doing?

Me: Do you really want to know?

She: Well sure … but first I have to tell you something.

(Insert several minutes of the latest with various others … drama intended.)

Me: Well, a few things have happened to me recently … actually.

She: Oh yeah? What?

Me: Well, remember the man who held me at gunpoint a ways back? Well they decided yesterday to let him out. My life is in danger.

She: Really? Well, the Food Bank really helped me out yesterday. They gave me such nice things. I have to thank them.

Me: (wondering what a Food Bank has to do with the soon to be released gun nut) Oh, well. That’s good … do you know any electricians who could maybe install some security lights for me?

 She: Oh my ex-husband is so talented. He can fix anything. I mean, if he wasn’t such a hoarder  and the personal hygeine and stuff. You should meet him. You’d like him. There’s not really much wrong with him. And I think he wants to date again.

(insert several more minutes on the pros and cons of said ex-husband)

Me: Well, if he can do security lights and cameras that would be nice.

She: Oh, he is so talented … did I ever tell you about the time when … (insert several more minutes of stories having nothing to do with my impending demise.)

Me: Well there was one other thing.

She: Yes?

Me: Remember my friend? The one I used to work with and (insert a few kind words ala yesterdays post)

She: Sure I do. He is great. How is he?

Me: He died. And was buried yesterday.

She: Oh how awful. I think I will write a song. You know I am really good at writing songs. I think I will sing a song for the people at the Food Bank. The ones who helped me. You know that song I wrote a few years ago about (input several minutes about stupid song.)

Me: OK.

She: So why didn’t you call me to tell me about that?

Me: I did. Yesterday.

She: Oh. When we were talking about (fill in the names of several mutual friends here)?

Me: (… and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise) Yeah.

She: Well you know about (fill in the names of several mutual friends here) and I can’t believe that they (fill in the stories of several mutual friends here).

Me: Well, I really have to go here.

She: Yes, well I was surprised by it all too … after all … (five more minutes of stuff I didn’t care about.)

Me: Well, my feet are on fire … and I really have to go.

She: And then of all things … this is what happened. (more minutes of stupid stuff.)

Me: Yeah … the house is falling down all around me … tornado going through … probably should hang up now.

She: No … wait … I have to tell you what my husband did … (more talking)

Me: No. Seriously. I have to go. Now.

She: Oh, wait … (and leaves the phone).

I didn’t wait.

Or answer her call-backs.

I’m still looking for an electrician.