There should be warning signs like this on some of the profiles out there on dating sites.

“Danger! Idiot ahead.” or “You’re Not Gonna Believe This One” or “I’m Not Really Available, But I Wanted To See Who Was Out Here”.

But the one today wasn’t any of these. IT was in a class all its own.

In the never-ending saga of Holly Rejoins The Land Of The Living, I was out looking at a profile today.

It. Was. Bizarre.

1750 words worth of Bizarre.

You can just read my words and skim over his. And I realized that this is not all of it. I missed huge amounts of it.

No, I’ve not made any of this up. It’s in his own words.

It began with this:

can be fun…with the right company. I do not look my age.
I take good care of myself and dress well and am youthful in my mindset, yet also mature and know what I am looking for…

Well, that’s good. A man in his mid-fifties. Sound good. What else?

Here is what I am looking for: Someone mature and who has her stuff together and likes to have fun. I would like to meet someone pretty….but I am not seeking Angeline Jolie here.

My preference is towards intelligent, nerdy women…it’s what I have dated…
and what I am attracted to as a type, but broadening my dating horizons and realize people are more than their looks.

Wow. Fabulous. She continues to read.

I don’t want to viewed only in superficial sense, so I am not going to do that to someone. HWP is good….Pref. again toward a woman who is lean, and by that I do not mean rail thin.

I just mean 135 lbs or less most likely. So presentable.

Uh oh.

ONE hundred and thirty five, eh? The assumption being that any more would not be “presentable”.

Getting a bad feeling about this … continues to read.

Stable in mindset is good too…so sturdiness in mind and body..
If you have some issues….or depression I can work with that.
If you have a obsessive compulsive, borderline, or histrionic personality disorder or bipolar or schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder…I would rather not date you…sorry. If you have any unnamed personality disorders, we can talk about. I’d prefer that you have undergoing psychological testing first to be sure what specific personality disorder you are diagnosed with. It’s only fair. Any Psychosis is much more of a deal breaker than anything looks wise.

And why exactly is he going on so much about multiple psychological diagnoses here? And what? A requirement for “undergoing psychological testing” first? What the … ???

I continued to read.

Please respect and appreciate men…l shouldn’t have to tell you how this is done. Does this exist any more? Please be above 20 and under 35.
I think that is pretty broad. I am not looking to be a cradle robber…
and I am well aware my recent b’day puts me in this category for some young women….Yeah I am not looking to be a novelty.

Defensive much? Yep, I’m picturing all the 20 year olds out there just lining up for a chance at this. I continued to read.

I am hot as hell and I do look amazing for my age. I am looking for substance though and not just a roll in the hay with a young lady.
lol….and same goes for the older women too…I am looking for a relationship with someone nice, smart and solid…are you out there? More specifically are you in [name of town redacted]….Jeez this town is like no mans land for dating in this age bracket…
Would love to find someone within 15 yrs my junior,
but opening it up a little broader because I know maturity does not always come with age, and on the flip side some 30 somethings can be more fun and hot than a 20 something…
It all depends on the person….and I want to meet a good one.

I am new(back) to the area and looking for good people as friends and potentially more…Ultimate goal is to find my life partner…whether she can be found here…I don’t know. For now I would like to meet someone smart and fun with whom I can connect on a genuine level.

Yeah, we got the memo. Hot as hell. Right. Who is he trying to convince? Us or himself? Now I was hooked. There was SO much more to read.

HERE is what is AWESOME ABOUT ME: Fanfare blowing..lol!
Da da da da!!!!

I did say this is really what he wrote, right? True. Verbatim.

PLUSES about me: Man I hate self promotion but this an ad.
I am kind….and gentle…mostly sweet and giving/sensitive
The gentleness is my sometimes evident….I can and often do laugh at myself…
+ I am intelligent and witty….and thoughtful…
+Adaptable to many diff. environments…
+ Do not need expensive car to look nice…naturally handsome…but can go upscale when I feel like it or occasion calls for it.
+Well travelled and well educated…have traveled abroad…and
and lived in Europe for 4 years. (Earned my B.A in France)
+I do have an amazing sense of style. I can even help you if you wish for fashion advice or decorating ideas…on a dime
I am an amazing thrift store shopper….have even thought of turning this hobby into a career.
+I do not have any kids…well this can be a plus I realize…
as for now I am just me…not a plus one or two…lol. This affords me freedom…so that is a plus…
+I am witty and love to laugh
+I am sensitive and empathetic about others feelings
+I am a gentlemen at all times, though I am not a prude. I enjoy a racy joke or flirt….but I do know the line of what is sassy and classy vs. just trashy and crude.
+I like doing nice things for people, friends and my mate…
+I am a decent cook
+I am tall and rugged…so if you like that…you are in luck.
+I am fun and fun loving, like to do spontaneous things.
+Great listener and naturally nurturing personality
+I am a good dancer, even performed in Cirque De Soleil.
+I am a great snowboarder…though have not had opportunity to practice it recently….I actually lived out west when I was younger and taught Shaun White how to snowboard..can hlelp you if you are not good .
+Always seeking to learn and evolve…
well I did fairly well at that for being introverted and humble
with listing my pros…but there goes…

Introverted and humble. Right. Yep. That’s what everyone will think when they read that. No ego going on with him. No siree.

And there were still another thousand words to read. I couldn’t resist. About this point my friend Texas Linda called. And wanted to know why I was laughing so much. And I started to read this to her.

I am looking for one great lady…not to dabble in dating forever.
I am looking to start out as friends and build from there….
I am seeking substance…and to build something real…

IF YOU ARE JUST INTERESTED IN JUST SEX DON’T CONTACT ME
IF YOU ARE NARCISSISTIC DO NOT CONTACT ME
IF YOU ARE INCONSIDERATE DO NOT CONTACT ME
IF YOU ARE FULL OF YOURSELF I AM NOT INTERESTED

Funny he should use those words “FULL OF YOURSELF” and I started to realize how much like other profiles some of this was. Then this …

I would like to meet someone handsome and humble…
someone with his stuff together personally and professionally.
I would like to meet someone who is a grown up, yet retains
childlike wonder and has a good sense of humor.

Wait.

He wants to meet someone HANDSOME and HUMBLE? With HIS stuff together? *Looks to description to make sure it is a man, and that he is straight, and that he wants to meet a woman.*

At this point I wondered what might be going on. I think this was about the time Linda said “This HAS to be a joke.”

I would like to meet someone cultured who is not into text-ing or sexting. I am private and remember dating before all of this.I am seeking someone with class and old school values. I think chivalry is important…I would like someone who wants to go on nice trips together. I do not want to meet someone, or should say I won’t meet someone who brings up sex in initial convos.

Romance to me is about thoughtfulness and creativity and fun. Picnics and free museum events can be a great date. Anything can be fun with the right company. I want to believe there are some decent woman on here….that know how to treat a man…

I have standards….and they are to be treated like a man…

I am seeking normal nice woman on here that like to date and romance a man….as opposed to hook up. Mystery is sexy…
A good woman who likes to be passionate…but is selective…
I am not a prude, but I do respect myself and don’t hook up with people indiscriminately. That is not me and will never be.

Wait … what? The standards are to be treated like a man? The woman is to be treated as a man? Or he has his standards and the only one is to be “treated like a man”? This has been a problem in the past? 

Which begs the question … why? Then he launched into yet another diatribe about himself.

I am a ruggedly handsome man .I look like a college linebacker; the outside kind. I have the muscles in most of the right places. In my spare time, I help [the college] football players stay in shape in off-season as a trainer. Sort of a “trainer to the stars.” I bicycle 75 miles weekly, run 3 miles a day. I finished the Iron Man Triathlon 3 times. I ran the NYC Marathon this year in sub 4 hour time. I would like someone who is healthy and active and is a good influence on me…Must be a non drinker and non smoker. You must have a training regimen. Do you care about your body?

Why am I a good catch? I am nice and I am very honest….
Very well traveled and versatile. Very honest, conscientious and I do not play games. I am not prudish, yet I am a ge ntlemen. Equally comfortable in a fancy restaurant or a pub. I can spend the day hiking and be comfortable and then suit up and look amazing for a night on the town. I know how to cook. I am kind and very considerate of others feelings. I am a strong man.

Bicycles, runs, Iron Man Triathlon, NYC Marathon sub 4 hour, training regimen. Good thing he is humble, huh? Am I the only one who is starting to think this was written by more than one person?

I think I am very mature for my age…which granted is not exactly a kid…however I have met immature 30 y/o’s. I have depth and diversity and many life experiences…

Only women looking for and willing to give respect., true romance and courtesy should contact me….
Whew let’s see how many crazy women this weeds out…. It’s ok if it does. I am looking for quality not quantity…

Yeah. Crazy women. Weeded out. And about that “very mature for my age” thing. Most men and women stop saying that once they are past 21 years of age.

And the light bulb went on.

I am selective and want to meet someone w/values like mine.
What I’m doing with my life
Starting over…and evaluating my next steps after a long winding adventurous road that has brought me back to [here].
Also looking after my dear younger brother with Autistic Disordeer and only one leg after a tragic snowboarding accident. I still consider myself responsible letting him take that last half pipe in the evening. Ray is a terrific guy and I hope you are open minded enough to get to know him.

Now I started to get angry. Brother Ray with autism. Rainman. Not funny. I have friends and relatives who deal with various things on the spectrum either personally or in a family member. I do not find this funny at all. I find it juvenile and offensive.

And when was the last time you knew a 55 year old who was into snowboarding with his “dear younger brother”.

I’m really good at
Singing in my car
Listening
Dancing
Kissing
Being Charming
Finding designer duds at thrift stores
Snowboarding
Being a Rabble rouser by speaking my mind….ooops….

The first things people usually notice about me
My fashion sense
My dangerous muscles
My cute smile
My sense of humor and candor
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Good seafood
A nice white wine
Trying new ethnic cuisines…

I enjoy good music in a variety of genres…
A few bands, musicians that come to mind are the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Lenny Kravitz, Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Adele, Muse, Coldplay, Alicia Keys. I like real musicians…
I am not a big Britney Spears fan.

I like good movies as well. I can’t think of a list right now…
I will say I do not like “chick flicks” like the Notebook… I like movies that push the envelope a little or make you think. I have also recently been on a 80’s movie streak…

Not sure where it was or if it is here or if I just didn’t copy all of it.

No, I’m sure of it. There was a part about his getting his degree while touring Europe. At a four year school in France. And performing with Circque de Soleil. Training the man who just won the Olympic Snowboarding Gold Medal. And more.

And somewhere he waxes poetic about cruising the second hand stores for good buys and thinking of doing it for a living.

Just like all the manly handsome straight men in the area would do. And where is a good eye-rolling emoticon when I need it?

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Whether it is possible to meet a decent man online…or is it better to date the old fashioned way…

He wants to meet a decent man online? Really? Or woman? Or did you just copy and paste the words from another profile?

On a typical Friday night I am
I prefer not to have a “typical Friday” as I appreciate variety and am hoping to break out of monotony. As of now I am pretty homebody-ish. I would like a partner to mix things up with:)…
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I may be too good, too shy and handsome of a man to be on a site like this…because I am seeking real romance….not just sex.

Sorry to have rambled so much.

At the end of reading this, I sent “him” a message. Linda and I created it together.

So lets see if I have this right … a bunch of you guys got together on a weekend with a case of beer and nothing better to do … you clipped parts of other people’s profiles, and all added the most outrageous obnoxious things you could imagine.

How close am I?

What gave it up? The snowboarding thing. Oh, and the part of it about wanting a man really messed up the continuity.

Is this completely a beer fueled lark or is it research for a Psych1 or Sociology paper?

Best Regards,
Angelina J